valentine's day 2008

I was pretty much busy last Valentine's Day. Looking back at the past days I've been ranting about not having a plan for 214, only to find out that the special day would be in fact a day of love and bonding. On that day I felt loved, wanted, needed.

That was the day she was interred. A cloudy morning it was, and I did my best to entertain some of the last friends who came to visit the wake. Tia was just keeping herself strong, my mom was roaming around fixing stuff, while I went to town and bought flowers. I chose the most colorful ones as she was always fond of colors and bright effects. Later that day I went to shop for a shirt.

Only a few people came to the mass. Not even the closest ones were there. But I didn't care, for the only thing that mattered was for her to receive the last mortal blessings given by our faith. I looked at her beyond the glass and noticed that she looked the same, still with the natural blush, just like a sleeping child. She retained that stern image, but I couldn't help but smile for her natural beauty remained intact.

I wrote her a poem. It was about a star who once spread light on earth. I've always believed that when we die, we become stars in the sky-that we are actually stars who come to earth and shine. That after many moons we go back home in the universe to give way for new stars. She was once a star sent by the heavens, to shine on earth in her own simple ways. After reaching the diamonds, the heavens sent for her to come back home.

Then came the time for her to be interred. After a few hours we found her in white ashes, as her physical structure returned to its prime composition. Yet I still can't believe she was gone, totally gone from our lives.

I was blank. I still am, just like Tia. I didn't want to mourn but I can't help doing so. But I know she's already safe and sound and happy and back to her most beautiful state: a star.

alamat ng isang tala

ikaw ay tala na nagmula sa uniberso
hulog na langit upang magbigay liwanag sa lupa
iyong tinuklas ang misteryo ng sansinukuban
at nagdilig ng ngiti sa mundong tuyot.

sigwa ang sumalubong sa iyong pagdating
ngunit hinarap mo ito ng buong tapang
ang mga panganib ay di mo sinukuan
at sa halip ang pag-asa ay yumabong
sa iyong isip, sa iyong puso, sa iyong kaluluwa.

sa bawat na araw na magdaan
ikaw ay nagmahal, lumaban, nasaktan
naipagbuklod ang mga nakakalat na diwa
iyong ibinahagi ang pag-ibig ng walang pag-iimbot
kahit sa huli iyo lamang nadama ang sakit ng pag-iisa.

ngunit ang bawat epiko ay may katapusan.
minsan nilisan mo ang kalikasan at bumalik sa langit na pinagmulan
upang maging isang tala, sa iyong tunay na tahanan.
minsan kang naging gabay na liwanag dito sa lupa
ngunit ang iyong init ay patuloy na mag-aalab sa aming puso't diwa.

ikaw ang alamat. ang alamat ng isang tala.


I always look up at the night sky hoping to see your eyes twinkle at me. I still can't believe you're gone. The past few days have been hard for me, and I've been longing for your embrace for it kept me safe and calm. I will miss you forever.

Felipa C. Esperas
1932-2008

wala akong plano sa 214. bigyan ninyo ko ng plano.

That served as my YM status message since January 29. Valentine's is a barely two weeks away that time and as the clock ticks so fast I now find myself writing this post while watching a funny primetime gag show. Anyway, given that I'm starting to rant about my 'dateless' Valentine's Day as early as the last week of January, a concerned friend came to the rescue and offered me an answer to my wish. He gave me a plan.

"Ria. Tignan mo to." He said, and gave me a link. I then did what he said and clicked on the link.
"Ano to?" I asked, slightly confused. "Blueprint ng bahay?"
"Yep. Ano pa ba?" He placed a smiley who's brow is raised.
"Aanhin ko to?"
Silence. It took a while before he replied.
"Pakiayos naman. Magaling ka naman sa interior design e. Deadline nyan sa 14."
"Ok ka lang? Wala akong kinalaman diyan no. Hindi ako artistic." I refused his favor.
"Ria naman e. Ayan binibigyan ka na nga ng plano tapos ikaw tong tatanggi."

Indeed.

new hair

Hi. This is me at 4am on the 2nd day of February 2008. New hair, old me. Just right.

How Important is My Dream

I am turning 22 in less than 2 months. Even though I haven't finished my studies yet I can say that I am already comptetent enough to get a good, decent job other college graduates wish to acquire. At 21 I have already been into call center work, and after exhausting my talents and skills on strangers who do not know a little about who I am, I then came to realize some things which I know would be of great significance as I mold my future.

Upon resigning from my last offic-work last September, I decided to be a freelance writer for SEO clients. Indeed it was a tough decision, because I would therefore be obliged to make sudden lifestyle changes. First, the flow of my income would no longer be regular like before. Second, I would be responsible for my time as I can now play God with my daily activities. Third, I am finally free. Because of this so-called freedom, I then packed my things and settled for an adventure, something I haven't done yet for a long time. Without even thinking, I took a bus one cloudy afternoon and traveled 250 kilometers North of Manila. To Baguio.

In Baguio I was able to reunite with my relatives, enjoy the climate as well as the tourist destinations. I also took time to reflect on the things that I want and don't want to do, my plans, my resolutions, my feelings and mindset. My folks know that I am bestowed with a good set of qualities which often make cousins envious, little do they know that I feel the same way towards them, for the fact that they are brought up in a loving and caring family environment, something I always wished for. Thus my folks keep on nagging me to get a good job, a practical one, some decent job that can make financially stable. The past three months have been indeed tough for me and my wallet, and if not for a couple of true friends I would have had experienced the lonliest holiday season ever.

Perhaps I do possess a stubborn heart, for despite this I chose to stand by my decision and not let go of it. Many may not understand it but I have found my dream. I want to be a writer. Of course not just a technical writer like what I am doing now for a living, but I want to achieve more. I want to touch people's hearts through my writings. Some say I'm a good poet, a good essayist, an amusing storyteller. I want to do better in the field that I chose, and hopefully become one of the best, because I know this is where my heart belongs.

I don't want to be locked up in a company uniform, or be chained in an office doing the same routine everyday, in exchange of monetary benefits. Money is important, I know, but there are other things in life which I wish to get, none of them can be bought by money. An old friend whom I met recently shared about the lives of some of our former schoolmates, especially about their success stories in their jobs, either working in call centers or settling abroad. Now they have top-of-the-line phones, complete set of appliances, fully stuffed bank accounts and have climbed into a higher social status. I on the other hand am still frolicking around places, not knowing where to go.

I admit I do get green with envy sometimes, but I always remind myself that each and every person has his own set of priorities, and I know what mine are.

There were times that I find myself walking for miles in the dusty roads in the mountains, only with a few bucks in hand. The path I took is indeed winding, but I believe that upon reaching the destination is my pot of gold. I am currently on a struggle, but I feel that success is just around the corner, waiting for me to find it.

hari ng sablay

My cellphone went beep beep last night while I was making chitchat with friends over at mIRC. Shempre I checked on my phone and saw that an old friend texted me saying finally makakagraduate na siya. Thank goodness naman noh, like matapos ang over 8 years at the one same course ay makakagraduate na siya. I'm glad to hear that he's about to graduate, pero after three seconds ay bigla niya kong binagsakan ng langit at lupa after reminding me kung kelan naman ako ggraduate. 'Saksakin kaya kita para di ka makagraduate?!!!'

Pwede ba Edmonton. Ikaw bida dito. Narrator lang ako.

Let's meet my friend Edmonton. Ahead siya sakin ng 2 years so pagpasok ko sa university ay third year na siya. Sa PE ko siya naging classmate at for one whole sem ginawa naming talking class ang aming walking class. Molecular Biology and Biotechnology ang kanyang course samantalang ako ay (ehem ehem secret!). Valedictorian siya doon sa high school nila sa isang liblib na baryo sa Abucay at siya lang ang kaisa-isang UPCAT passer mula sa batch nila (not to mention sa buong kasaysayan ng kanilang paaralan). Kinuha daw niya ang MBB dahil wis daw niya knows kung anong course to. Pagtapak daw nya ng third year e chaka lang niya napagtantong hinuhukay na pala niya ang kanyang sariling libingan. Hehe.

After ang aming maliligayang araw sa walking class ay nanatili kaming close ni Edmonton. Magkikita para kumain, magyosi at paminsan-minsan uminom. Madami siyang drama sa buhay tulad ko. Hehe. At lalo pa itong nadagdagan nang siya'y tumapak ng 5th year sa kanyang 4-year course.

Una ay iyong magkagusto siya kay Atom. Pucha, lahat naman halos may crush kay Atom e. Pero duuuyy... patay na patay itong kaibigan ko kay Atom. Dahil kay Atom ay naging active siya sa mga orgs, events at kung anu-ano pang social gatherings kung kaya't napabayaan niya ang kanyang longtime girlfriend na si Anna. Nung nakipagbreak sa kanya si Anna eh saka lang nya napansin na siya'y nagttransform na pala. Edmonton, day. Bading ka na.

Tulad ng ibang late bloomers na bading ay sumailalim sa 'denial stage' tong si bakla. Pero kalaunan ay hindi rin niya napigilan ang pagtibok ng kanyang puso kung kaya't hinarap niya ang pagiging isang bading. Wala namang kaso sa mga friends niya e. Ayos lang. At naging best friends pa sila ni Anna. Hehe.

Ang pangalawa niyang drama ay ang kanyang pag-aaral. Dahil nga dun sa kanyang metamorphosis ay naapektuhan ang kanyang acads. Bagsak dito, bagsak dun. Retake, remove, summer. Hayan. Dahil rin sa kakulangan sa pera ay kinailangan niyang matrabaho, at tulad ng nakararaming mga kabataan sa aming henerasyon, siya ay pumasok sa isang call center (call senner) bilang isang ahente ng car parts.

Pero hindi lahat ng drama sa buhay ni Edmonton ay malungkot. Aba, ang lola mo, hindi inakalang matatagpuan ang tunay na pag-ibig sa call center na yun. Isang gabi habang umiinom ng kape sa pantry ay nakilala niya si PJ, isang cute na bagets na nagttrabaho dun bilang janitor. Hehe. Kebs naman sa social status at naging sila eventually. Ang mahalaga lang naman ay mahal nila ang isa't isa, and of course, yummy si PJ! Dennis Trillo look alike daw ba! (siko nga lang.)

Heto nga. Matapos ng limang taon. Single na ulet si Edmonton at muli silang nagsstart over ng ex niyang si Anna. Nakabuntis daw kasi si PJ ng wala sa oras e. Bago matanggap ni Edmonton yung nangyari ay naglaslas eklat muna siya, something like a telenovela dahil di niya keri ung katarantaduhan ng jowa niya. But like any other story, nakarecover si bakla. Kaya starting over na naman and buti naman at makakagradweyt na.

'Day, finally makakapagtapos nako.' Text niya sakin. 'Matapos ang walong taon.'
'Oo nga bakla. Finally. Matapos ang mga kagagahan mo, ikaw na talaga ang hari ng sablay.' reply ko.
'Inggit ka lang kasi may sablay nako. Ikaw hanggang pangarap parin. Hehe.'

Hindi nako nagreply. Kaimbyernang baklang to.

Hehe.

to be 'wanted' is something superficial

01[14:45] im single. unnoticed.
[14:46] no one takes u seriously?
[14:46] huh? dude when u get more dick ppl will notice u dapat
01[14:46] guys never saw me as a girlfriend material from the very start.
[14:48] it depends naman on the guy who looks
[14:48] its not the same for all guys
[14:49] so relax, ur 21, enjoy ka pa, just take it easy with the dildos and virators ha
[14:49] gf material is a myth
01[14:50] guys see me to the extent of a best friend or sister.
01[14:50] the best bud they can have.
[14:50] tapos they bone u? thats unfair!
01[14:50] but to commit.
[14:50] dude commitment should be the last thing in ur mind
01[14:51] to start a romantic relationship with is not their thing with me.[14:51] i wonder
[14:51] can i see.... ano friendster mo
01[14:51] every girl wants security and commitment. im not exception to that.
01[14:51] www.friendster.com/!@#$%^&*()
[14:53] ur chinese?
01[14:53] no.
01[14:53] do i look chinese?
[14:53] singkit eh
01[14:53] haha.
[14:53] ok naman ha
01[14:53] ewan ko.
[14:53] ur not fat
01[14:53] i am kaya.
[14:53] arte mo
[14:54] super payat mo kaya
01[14:54] sino bang pic ang tinitignan mo jan?
01[14:54] its all about the angle.
01[14:54] meron jan sa submitted photos.
[14:54] whats ur height
01[14:55] 5'4
[14:55] weight
01[14:55] secret natin to ha.
01[14:55] 170 lbs ma.
01[14:55] na.
[14:55] opo
[14:55] owsssss
01[14:55] oo nga.
01[14:55] fluctuating
[14:55] sa pic nato ur like 110
[14:55] super laki siguro ng butt mo
01[14:56] idagdag mo na un tummy
01[14:56] and arms
01[14:56] and thighs
01[14:56] lahat na.
01[14:56] hehe
01[14:56] anyway
01[14:57] i can be a man's whore.best friend. sister. mother.
[14:57] ok game plan
01[14:57] but never a girlfriend.
[14:57] burn at least 50 lbs for ur height
01[14:57] 50 lbs?
[14:57] yes
14:57] 120 is ok for ur height
01[14:57] errr.can i do it in a month?
[14:57] mga 2 months yan
[14:57] pero todo work out yan
01[14:57] ok. so by april.
[14:58] as in hit the treads daily
[14:58] tapos no rice
[14:58] no lunch
[14:58] bfast dinner ka lang
01[14:58] ok.
[14:59] by April ull fit into a nice 2 piece and ull get the quality guys u want

right.