debt in the family

I was rather apathetic. And I am questioning myself why.

Perhaps it was because I knew that I didn't belong there. Yes I am a cousin, a niece, a not-so-distant relative. But in my heart I know that I am not part of the family. I just take on a supporting role in the ongoing family drama. I do not deserve any credit, despite my presence in the whole event.

My grand-uncle passed away last Friday. He was 77. He has been sickly for the past few months now, and I think it is just normal for a guy his age. But that fateful afternoon I heard my aunt scream my name while I was taking a bath, 'Prinky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Patay na si Tatay!!!!!!!!' Time in a way moved fast for I then found myself in the hospital morgue waiting for my cousins and uncles and aunts to come, as well as the funeral service provider to arrive. We had dinner there, and at midnight his cadaver was finally brought to the funeral chapel to be dressed and embalmed. My other aunt was on her way, as she was coming from Manila. We fetched her in the bus terminal and there she gave her first wave of mourning sobs, Baguio edition. Of course there were lots more to come.

There were lots of food. And so did visitors come. I meanwhile busied myself making decorative ribbons, which my other cousins became enticed to imitate, but there attempts ended in vain by midnight. I was already tipsy at that time, having finished two cans of beer. Unlike my relatives who were all sad and weeping, I took the weekend just like any other ordinary Saturday night. No sympathy. No sadness.

Should I cry? Well, my grand-uncle and I were not really that close, due to a myriad of reasons. I know that he was fond of my when I was still a toddler, but I eventually spent the next 19 years 245 kilometers away from him making us too distant to know each other more. I arrived three months before his demise. He was already too weak to talk to me, but I made it a habit to make him smile during our quiet afternoon moments together. I accompanied him to the hospital once and I tried to cheer him up while the doctors were checking on him. I do will miss him, given that he is the only grandfather figure I got.

But why the hell can't I cry?! F@#$!

Jeepers. Anyway, I'll miss you Tatay. You very well know that.

P.S. Tay, oatmeal ang kinakain ng mga angels kaya masanay ka na diyan. Hehe.
T.S. You didn't eat the oatmeal I gave you kaya lagot ka. Hihi.

Modesto R. Cumpas
1930-2008