I am turning 22 in less than 2 months. Even though I haven't finished my studies yet I can say that I am already comptetent enough to get a good, decent job other college graduates wish to acquire. At 21 I have already been into call center work, and after exhausting my talents and skills on strangers who do not know a little about who I am, I then came to realize some things which I know would be of great significance as I mold my future.
Upon resigning from my last offic-work last September, I decided to be a freelance writer for SEO clients. Indeed it was a tough decision, because I would therefore be obliged to make sudden lifestyle changes. First, the flow of my income would no longer be regular like before. Second, I would be responsible for my time as I can now play God with my daily activities. Third, I am finally free. Because of this so-called freedom, I then packed my things and settled for an adventure, something I haven't done yet for a long time. Without even thinking, I took a bus one cloudy afternoon and traveled 250 kilometers North of Manila. To Baguio.
In Baguio I was able to reunite with my relatives, enjoy the climate as well as the tourist destinations. I also took time to reflect on the things that I want and don't want to do, my plans, my resolutions, my feelings and mindset. My folks know that I am bestowed with a good set of qualities which often make cousins envious, little do they know that I feel the same way towards them, for the fact that they are brought up in a loving and caring family environment, something I always wished for. Thus my folks keep on nagging me to get a good job, a practical one, some decent job that can make financially stable. The past three months have been indeed tough for me and my wallet, and if not for a couple of true friends I would have had experienced the lonliest holiday season ever.
Perhaps I do possess a stubborn heart, for despite this I chose to stand by my decision and not let go of it. Many may not understand it but I have found my dream. I want to be a writer. Of course not just a technical writer like what I am doing now for a living, but I want to achieve more. I want to touch people's hearts through my writings. Some say I'm a good poet, a good essayist, an amusing storyteller. I want to do better in the field that I chose, and hopefully become one of the best, because I know this is where my heart belongs.
I don't want to be locked up in a company uniform, or be chained in an office doing the same routine everyday, in exchange of monetary benefits. Money is important, I know, but there are other things in life which I wish to get, none of them can be bought by money. An old friend whom I met recently shared about the lives of some of our former schoolmates, especially about their success stories in their jobs, either working in call centers or settling abroad. Now they have top-of-the-line phones, complete set of appliances, fully stuffed bank accounts and have climbed into a higher social status. I on the other hand am still frolicking around places, not knowing where to go.
I admit I do get green with envy sometimes, but I always remind myself that each and every person has his own set of priorities, and I know what mine are.
There were times that I find myself walking for miles in the dusty roads in the mountains, only with a few bucks in hand. The path I took is indeed winding, but I believe that upon reaching the destination is my pot of gold. I am currently on a struggle, but I feel that success is just around the corner, waiting for me to find it.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
How Important is My Dream
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
hari ng sablay
My cellphone went beep beep last night while I was making chitchat with friends over at mIRC. Shempre I checked on my phone and saw that an old friend texted me saying finally makakagraduate na siya. Thank goodness naman noh, like matapos ang over 8 years at the one same course ay makakagraduate na siya. I'm glad to hear that he's about to graduate, pero after three seconds ay bigla niya kong binagsakan ng langit at lupa after reminding me kung kelan naman ako ggraduate. 'Saksakin kaya kita para di ka makagraduate?!!!'
Pwede ba Edmonton. Ikaw bida dito. Narrator lang ako.
Let's meet my friend Edmonton. Ahead siya sakin ng 2 years so pagpasok ko sa university ay third year na siya. Sa PE ko siya naging classmate at for one whole sem ginawa naming talking class ang aming walking class. Molecular Biology and Biotechnology ang kanyang course samantalang ako ay (ehem ehem secret!). Valedictorian siya doon sa high school nila sa isang liblib na baryo sa Abucay at siya lang ang kaisa-isang UPCAT passer mula sa batch nila (not to mention sa buong kasaysayan ng kanilang paaralan). Kinuha daw niya ang MBB dahil wis daw niya knows kung anong course to. Pagtapak daw nya ng third year e chaka lang niya napagtantong hinuhukay na pala niya ang kanyang sariling libingan. Hehe.
After ang aming maliligayang araw sa walking class ay nanatili kaming close ni Edmonton. Magkikita para kumain, magyosi at paminsan-minsan uminom. Madami siyang drama sa buhay tulad ko. Hehe. At lalo pa itong nadagdagan nang siya'y tumapak ng 5th year sa kanyang 4-year course.
Una ay iyong magkagusto siya kay Atom. Pucha, lahat naman halos may crush kay Atom e. Pero duuuyy... patay na patay itong kaibigan ko kay Atom. Dahil kay Atom ay naging active siya sa mga orgs, events at kung anu-ano pang social gatherings kung kaya't napabayaan niya ang kanyang longtime girlfriend na si Anna. Nung nakipagbreak sa kanya si Anna eh saka lang nya napansin na siya'y nagttransform na pala. Edmonton, day. Bading ka na.
Tulad ng ibang late bloomers na bading ay sumailalim sa 'denial stage' tong si bakla. Pero kalaunan ay hindi rin niya napigilan ang pagtibok ng kanyang puso kung kaya't hinarap niya ang pagiging isang bading. Wala namang kaso sa mga friends niya e. Ayos lang. At naging best friends pa sila ni Anna. Hehe.
Ang pangalawa niyang drama ay ang kanyang pag-aaral. Dahil nga dun sa kanyang metamorphosis ay naapektuhan ang kanyang acads. Bagsak dito, bagsak dun. Retake, remove, summer. Hayan. Dahil rin sa kakulangan sa pera ay kinailangan niyang matrabaho, at tulad ng nakararaming mga kabataan sa aming henerasyon, siya ay pumasok sa isang call center (call senner) bilang isang ahente ng car parts.
Pero hindi lahat ng drama sa buhay ni Edmonton ay malungkot. Aba, ang lola mo, hindi inakalang matatagpuan ang tunay na pag-ibig sa call center na yun. Isang gabi habang umiinom ng kape sa pantry ay nakilala niya si PJ, isang cute na bagets na nagttrabaho dun bilang janitor. Hehe. Kebs naman sa social status at naging sila eventually. Ang mahalaga lang naman ay mahal nila ang isa't isa, and of course, yummy si PJ! Dennis Trillo look alike daw ba! (siko nga lang.)
Heto nga. Matapos ng limang taon. Single na ulet si Edmonton at muli silang nagsstart over ng ex niyang si Anna. Nakabuntis daw kasi si PJ ng wala sa oras e. Bago matanggap ni Edmonton yung nangyari ay naglaslas eklat muna siya, something like a telenovela dahil di niya keri ung katarantaduhan ng jowa niya. But like any other story, nakarecover si bakla. Kaya starting over na naman and buti naman at makakagradweyt na.
'Day, finally makakapagtapos nako.' Text niya sakin. 'Matapos ang walong taon.'
'Oo nga bakla. Finally. Matapos ang mga kagagahan mo, ikaw na talaga ang hari ng sablay.' reply ko.
'Inggit ka lang kasi may sablay nako. Ikaw hanggang pangarap parin. Hehe.'
Hindi nako nagreply. Kaimbyernang baklang to.
Hehe.
to be 'wanted' is something superficial
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Thursday, January 24, 2008
the chef
He knew she was his destiny. He was only waiting for the right time for their paths to finally cross.
All she saw was his hands, for it was only a small opening that allowed them to be together for some breathing moments. But she never noticed his existence. Just his works.
Chel always dreamt of having a chef for a boyfriend. She believed her heart would be at last fulfilled by a man whose love would reach her appetite. She isn't too choosy though, but of course like any other girl she carries her own ideals of a prince charming, and hers was that of a chef. Fate however was not as kind as she expected. It may have had her saved from all the pains of a broken heart, but at the same time it has deprived her of the opportunity to experience the romance of a young heart. But she took her fate with a smile and not as a burden, as she was bestowed with the ability to give a bright smile that shines like the sun.
And its rays captured his frost bitten heart. After grieving for a myriad of losses which seemed to have robbed him of the strength to live, he thus chose to live in the soot and darkness of the kitchen, exerting his talents on a myriad of dishes that satisfied the hunger of strangers. He chose to remain a shadow, until that one fateful day.
She was a regular customer at the cafeteria. Chel always craved for pesto, and she loved the way it is prepared in that place, the university canteen. At first he just kept on receiving an order of that said food at exactly 3:07 pm every Friday, but on that fateful day he managed to get a glance of who that customer was. It was her. Chel. He fell in love at first sight, for some reason imposed by an unseen force set by nature. Since then he prepared the best pesto dish he can ever cook. He always made it with pure love and desire, hoping one day that taste would reach her heart and hear his call.
He didn't know he was already taking the first steps to success. Chel was beginning to fall for the taste and her her heart starts to beat with desire on each and every twirl of her fork. He on the other hand started to draw back, upon learning that they are worlds apart. She was the unversity's top student, just waiting for the semester to end so that she can enroll for law school. He meanwhile was a cook, denied of the chance to seek a life of convenience, forbidden of the right to seek erudition. All he can do is write his name. And cook.
Because of this he asked for a friend's help to write him a resignation letter, so as his feelings of brurning love and desire would not reach his nerves and eventually kill him. Chel meanwhile started looking for his dishes, only to find out that he already left.
Saddened, she decided to go ride a bus back to her hometown, hoping to get some warm hug from her ever-loving parents. While waiting for the bus she sat on a bench, and looked at her watch. It's 3:07 pm, the usual time she goes to the cafeteria and devour on her pesto. She didn't notice that at the exact same time someone sat on the same bench and gave off a sad sigh. His bittersweet whisper reached her heart like the speed of light after hearing his voice.
'I'm supposed to prepare her pesto.'
She looked at him and recognized his hands. The hands she used to see serving her favorite dish. He was mesmerized. He was sitting next to her, hearing her heart beat so loud it was the only thing he could hear at that bustling afternoon traffic jam. He surrendered all his qualms to the forces of nature. He gave off a smile. He made up his mind to become the best for the only girl he has chosen to love.
His smile cleared all her gray matter ideas on romance. It was him, who satisfied her appetite, who made her heart finally beat with love. At that exact moment she knew her search was over. It was him, the man who completed the longing not only of her taste buds but of her longing for everlasting love. At that exact moment their lives have started anew, together, ready for the challenges the world has to bring.
And they lived happily ever after.
untitled prototype 2 (rewritten)
This story was originally written in April 2007, but unfortunately I can't find the original manuscript so I have to retype everything all over again.
It was 10 past midnight, and the two girls were lying in the middle of the street gazing at the stars. Drunk were they, having finished two six-packs of San Miguel Pale Pilsen and four bottles of Cerveza Negra. Indeed they have become beer lovers after learning how to love the drink's bitterness in the span of five years. They started drinking back during their freshman days. Here they were now, drunk, cheeks blushing with intoxication.
'What would be like when we die?' She asked her friend while they were on the asphalt road. 'I bet we will become stars in the sky.'
'Shut up.' The friend retorted. She then faced her and wrapped her arms around her friend, just like a little girl to her stuffed toy. 'Try to think about happy things when you're drunk.'
'I'm not drunk. You are.' The girl talked back, without looking at her. 'I'm not drunk. I'm broken.'
There came silence. Her friend just hugged her tight.
'I'm sorry.' Her friend said, trying to hide her sobs. 'But my heart screams for his name too.'
'And he chose you.' she responded emotionlessly. 'Each living soul is led to follow his heart, in exchange of eternal bliss. I can't blame you, nor can I do the same to him.'
'You know I love you. You're my first ever friend in school. You're more than a sister to me. And you know that.' She remained to hug her even more. 'I know I've hurt you.'
'We are all entitled to get hurt at one time or another, by whoever person. Don't mind me. Follow your heart.'
There was silence, once again.
Her phone then rang, and she read the message in it. 'Hey, it's time for us to go. I've got an appointment early in the morning.' She got up and took her things. Her friend followed and hence after a few more walks they found a cab and rode to their homes. When she got home she sulked weak on a chair, her tears overflowing from her eyes. She has thus forbade herself from loving him. She once believed he was her destiny, the one person finally meant for her. But everything was just an illusion: the nearly carbon copied friendster profiles, their love for Kula Shaker and Beck's Loser, his Goldilocks curls, the laughter and the bottles of beer. He instead pursued her best friend, her one and only friend. And despite the willpower to stay strong and apathetic, she felt robbed, abandoned, broken. She loved him. And she loves him still.
Earlier that day she sent him a message and asked to accompany her for an early morning swim at the nearby park.
'Ok. I'll fetch you at 530AM.' That was the message she received at almost half past midnight.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
the cereal killers
Meet my three lovely cousins, Aliyah, Jaja and Tintin. They may seem to be three normal little girls in this photograph, but when their folks are not around, they transform into beasts that devour our cupboards. They become CEREAL KILLERS.
It all started with Jaja. When she was younger, she used to spend afternoons in our house in Pasig, and since our aunt is not the type of a doting house person, she instead feeds my cousin a bowl of instant oatmeal. Jaja instantly liked the oatmeal, and almost every afternoon she comes to our place just to have a daily bowl of it. Because of this her mom and dad began to allot a portion of their grocery budget to satisfy her urges for cereals.
Then came Tintin, and Aliyah. Tintin's already four, while Aliyah's two. During this time their mom went to Dubai to work as a customs' executive, and because of this they began to receive packages from the Middle East. Inside the balikbayan boxes are tons of canned goods, and of course, boxes of Koko Pops, Koko Krunch, Kellogg's Cornflakes and the like. For an average family, this supply of cereals would last for around a month if consumed on a daily, every breakfast basis. But these girls are different. One Sunday morning a week after the balikbayan box was delivered, their dad woke the whole neighborhood with screams saying that their cereals are missing from the cupboard! They were like, stolen.
He confronted the maid and asked her about the missing breakfast cereals. But the maid only gave him a stark, poker faced stare and her eyes pointed him to Jaja's room. There he saw the girls, catatonic watching a weekend cartoon show, each with a bowl in their hands.
'Kuya, yan na po yung huling box ng Koko Pops.' the maid said. 'Ginagawa nilang chichirya e.'
My uncle then sent his wife an email saying that their girls have become killers. Cereal Killers.
untitled prototype
The humming of the birds woke her up early at dawn. The sun hasn't risen yet, and for the rare times she saw the sunrise, today she felt a different breeze chill down her spine. She noticed her phone ringing. It was him. She answered the call and his monotonous, emotionless voice informed her that he's outside, waiting for her to come out. She took her things, brushed her hair, and went outside. His car was fuming, as he was, annoyed with her unnecessary favor of going for an early morning swim at a nearby pool. They both know that she has cultured a natural poison in her abdomen, and it has already diffused to the various parts of her body. What he couldn't understand was despite all the water intake that's supposed to be the cure to her poisoning, she rather chose to let it spread and slowly burn the life out of her. Yet he has already resigned from pursuading her to see the brighter side of things. She chose to believe that she is poisoned, he sighed. Even though everything is all in her mind. They all knew she bled for a seriously injured heart. May the causes be romantic, platonic and/or familial, the bottom line was, she took everything unto herself. He despised her depression because he knows she knew better. He despised her even more for creating a force field that prevented everybody, including him, from taking her out of the dark. He loathed her resignation from fighting for her principles, for not allowing him to see her real soul, whose remnants could only be traced in the testimonials of her friends who were once witnesses of her bravery and courage in the midst of storms. While driving to the pool, he concluded that he simply hates her guts, and that after this one last favor, he'd disappear from her life so she could start living normal again. The pool glimmered as the sun slowly rose. Her eyes, though a little sleepy, were delighted to see the inviting waters for her to plunge in. She looked at him and smiled, while at the same time she took of her clothes. She was ready for a dive, her swimsuit made her look like a stranger to his eyes. It was the first time he saw her in that outfit, and he admits he was struck. He took off his own clothes as well, leaving the just his boxers. She took his hand and together, they took a dive down the pool. Her eyes were open, still smiling at him. He squeezed her hand tight, reminding her of his plea: see the light. She seem to have understood as she noticed the rays of the sun reaching the deeper ends of the pool. She caught sight of his eyes again, this time trying to say a mingling of thanks and apologies. Then she let go of his grip. He froze in suspended animation a few feet below the water's surface as he witnessed her slowly submerge in the 15 feet pool. Suddenly he remembered the chilling fact that she could barely swim. He dove down after her but he was seconds too late. Her body started to float back, this time, lifeless. He sought for help, his reflexes reaching for his phone in automation. But rather he saw a message which seemed to say that everything was all planned out. "You always tell me not to come undone. I didn't. You came. I'm now complete." He lost her. His heart wept in silence for despite all the rage and hatred, it was only then that he was able to admit she conquered his heart from the very start.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
decemberfest!
for a guy who calls himself eric.
the pain will remain in my heart
it's been quite a while since you left
my heart has then learned a bit
without you life has been difficult
but i knew i had to move on
all on my own
yet i know the pain is still here
the wounds are still fresh
calling out your name
hoping for the day you come back
for me
you're far away, so far away
the absences is here to stay
but remember i still love you
and the pain will remain, the pain will remain
in my heart.
-hey. here's my contribution to your songwriting pursuits. it kindda sucks though. be the one to make the changes. heee.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
today i committed suicide
Today I committed suicide.
I have been depressed for the past few days, mainly because of my empty wallet. However, what triggered my suicidal feeling was my realization of the fact that I am alone in a place full of strangers, with no friends and only relatives who often think I'm misconstrued. I am living a life of solitude, unloved, left with no one to love.
I am sad. Very sad. Last Sunday I felt like putting my life into an end. I felt like crying, but my lachrymal glands just didn't work. So I just diffused my energies in washing the dishes at 5am Monday, just so to divert my thoughts of becoming an ethereal being.
I did the laundry today. It's not really common for me to wash my clothes, for the reason that I don't know how to do so. I am learning, though. But afterwards I took a long afternoon stroll to the mountains, contemplating on what I am to do next. I am jaded. I am exhausted. My heart just wants to stop beating, my senses are about to wage a strike. I felt unpretty, unwanted, and most of all, unnoticed. It's almost the same as being dead.
After a couple of hours of walking I remembered that it's currently my grand-uncle's wake. Upon reaching the hospital I heard my uncles talking about the funeral costs, and like the smell of freshly brewed coffee, I suddenly woke up. I only got 500 bucks in my ATM card. A couple of hundreds in my wallet. No SSS, no insurance policies, no nothing. I can't even pawn my phone. I can't die yet.
At that point I had to use my head rather than my heart. To hell with my suicidal tendencies. I can't die broke. That's just... suicide.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
rainy sunday emo blues
Love is a mind over matter process. It is you who must tell what love must do, and not let love dictate you.
It was an emotion foreign to me. At transient feeling that comes and goes without saying goodbye. In all honesty I resented the feeling of its presence and my frozen heart does nothing but reject it, knowing it would do me no good. Playing was one thing I enjoyed, so why bother accept complications?
But you came.
And that annoyed me.
Your scent was my hallucinogen.
You didn’t know but my nerves suddenly crack whenever I feel you around. I didn’t know it too. I never liked you, nor did your moves give me the slightest interest. I then was too absorbed with the travesties of my so-called life to think of you would give me a heavier burden.
Yet fate decided on its own.
The forces of nature one day positioned themselves in the environment we were standing in, waiting for the right moment to disperse. I felt it, but l laughed thinking it was just a daydream, a funny reverie that attempted to defy all my ideals of a knight in shining armor. Why a total stranger whose aspirations I contrasted? It was good that rationality blocked the opportunity of answering my questions. My books have handcuffed me, and you were not worthy of my mind’s exhaustion.
Only to find out that I could not oppose the powers which I could not see. From a simple liplock I knew my life would change forever. My brain hung from thinking. I wasn’t ready for the alterations that would come.
But you’re here. In front of me. Your eyes paralyzed me even a thousand miles away. I wanted to run, but I stood frozen. I wanted to go away, but my heart decided otherwise.
I found myself falling. Catch me. It’s too late to hand me a parachute.
Take me with you. Teach me how to land without stumbling. I fear for the pain I might endure as gravity pulls me back to the ground. Tell me what to do. I want you.
But rejection took me by surprise. I never knew it coming, but it was there after all, in deep hibernation. The myriad of reasons screamed over and over, trying to have them understood by my unreceptive mind. I wanted to end it all. I’ve been experiencing nosebleeds from time to time. I knew it was a big risk but I took it all as well. I lost. I was near the end of the chessboard, but I remained to be a pawn.
Teach me to stop. My exhaustion is not enough to make my system falter.
Give me a reason not to wait. Take away all my fears of letting go. Release me from the hopes that keep me chained in my delusions.
I once wanted to be your queen.
You didn’t want me.
Days will pass.
We do not know what fate has in mind. I may be yours one day, or may be someone else’s. But I assure you, I will be a queen, in my own right.
debt in the family
I was rather apathetic. And I am questioning myself why.
Perhaps it was because I knew that I didn't belong there. Yes I am a cousin, a niece, a not-so-distant relative. But in my heart I know that I am not part of the family. I just take on a supporting role in the ongoing family drama. I do not deserve any credit, despite my presence in the whole event.
My grand-uncle passed away last Friday. He was 77. He has been sickly for the past few months now, and I think it is just normal for a guy his age. But that fateful afternoon I heard my aunt scream my name while I was taking a bath, 'Prinky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Patay na si Tatay!!!!!!!!' Time in a way moved fast for I then found myself in the hospital morgue waiting for my cousins and uncles and aunts to come, as well as the funeral service provider to arrive. We had dinner there, and at midnight his cadaver was finally brought to the funeral chapel to be dressed and embalmed. My other aunt was on her way, as she was coming from Manila. We fetched her in the bus terminal and there she gave her first wave of mourning sobs, Baguio edition. Of course there were lots more to come.
There were lots of food. And so did visitors come. I meanwhile busied myself making decorative ribbons, which my other cousins became enticed to imitate, but there attempts ended in vain by midnight. I was already tipsy at that time, having finished two cans of beer. Unlike my relatives who were all sad and weeping, I took the weekend just like any other ordinary Saturday night. No sympathy. No sadness.
Should I cry? Well, my grand-uncle and I were not really that close, due to a myriad of reasons. I know that he was fond of my when I was still a toddler, but I eventually spent the next 19 years 245 kilometers away from him making us too distant to know each other more. I arrived three months before his demise. He was already too weak to talk to me, but I made it a habit to make him smile during our quiet afternoon moments together. I accompanied him to the hospital once and I tried to cheer him up while the doctors were checking on him. I do will miss him, given that he is the only grandfather figure I got.
But why the hell can't I cry?! F@#$!
Jeepers. Anyway, I'll miss you Tatay. You very well know that.
P.S. Tay, oatmeal ang kinakain ng mga angels kaya masanay ka na diyan. Hehe.
T.S. You didn't eat the oatmeal I gave you kaya lagot ka. Hihi.
Modesto R. Cumpas
1930-2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Ang Bantay ni Tatay
Laging lasing si Tatay. Mula pa noong magkaisip ako ay lagi ko na siyang nakikitang lango sa alak halos araw-araw. Kung hindi siya magpapabili ng pulutan ay magpapabili siya ng alak. Sabi ni Kuya Peter naging ganon na si Tatay mula nang mamatay ang aming ina noong isiliang niya ako. Bata pa daw si Kuya noong nangyari iyon, pero hindi raw nya malilimutan ang pangyayaring nagbago sa buhay ng aming pamilya.
Sa pagkakaalala raw ng kuya ko, mahal na mahal ni Nanay si Tatay noong ito'y nabubuhay pa. Si Tatay lang raw ang walang pagpapahalaga sa kanya at puro mga kaibigan ang inaatupag. May pagka-babaero rin si Tatay. Pero ang lahat ng ito ay hindi inalintana ni Nanay, bagkus lalo pa niyang ipinadama ang pagmamahal nya rito. Kahit binubugbog na siya, at kahit pinagsasabihan na siya nina Lola na iwan na si Tatay ay hindi parin niya ito nilisan. Naging mabuti siyang asawa, at ina kay Kuya.
Nabuntis muli si Nanay, at ako na ang iyong dinadala niya. Sabi ni Kuya, kabuwanan na raw ni Nanay nung isang gabing nagkasagutan sila ni Tatay at nagulpi na naman siya nito. Dito na dinugo si Nanay at kinailangan nang dalhin sa ospital. Maselan ang pagbubuntis niya at dahila nga sa nabugbog pa siya ay nailagay sa alanganin ang kanyang panganganak. Nag-agaw buhay si Nanay hanggang sa mailabas ako. Ngunit siya nama'y nawalan ng maraming lakas at dugo kung kaya't agad siyang nanghina. Doon nagising ang Tatay mula sa kanyang kahibangan at humingi ng tawad kay Nanay. Nagmakaawa na sana siya'y mabuhay. Pero hindi na kaya ni Nanay. Sa kanyang huling hininga, and kanyang lamang nagawa ay bigyan si Tatay ng isang pangako. Ang pangakong hindi niya ito iiwan.
Sa pagkakaalala ni Kuya, matapos ang libing ni Nanay ay naging balisa na si Tatay araw-araw. Marahil ay dahil sa hindi ito sanay na wala ang Nanay sa kanyang tabi. Dahil dito ay pinilit niyang magpakalango sa bisyo para hindi na siya magising sa realidad ng aming pamilya. May mga pagkakataon rin daw na sinubukan na niyang magpakamatay, para tuluyan nang matakasan ang lahat.
Isang araw inatake sa puso si Tatay. Sabi ng doktor ay maaaring ikamatay niya 'yon sanhi na nga na malala ang naging epekto ng kanyang mga bisyo. Sabi naman ni Kuya, matagal nang gustong magpakamatay ni Tatay kaya para na rin sa ikabubuti ng lahat ay i-euthanasia na lang siya. Para naman daw hindi na mapahirapan pa ni Tatay ang kanyang sarili. Pero himala at nabuhay si Tatay. Paralisado ang kalahati ng kanyang katawan pero may sapat siyang lakas para mabuhay, at dahil rito ay hindi siya maaaring i-euthanasia. Hindi na siya makakapagsalita, at inilagak na siya sa isang wheelchair.
Inuwi namin si Tatay mula sa ospital at bakas sa mukha niya ang lungkot at takot. Sinenyasan nya ako na dalhin ko siya sa may balkonahe para masilayan ang paglubog ng araw. Nakita ko rin na iniwasan niyang tingnan ang letrato ni Nanay na nakasabit sa may dingding ng sala. Sinunod ko ang utos ni Tatay, at iniwan ko siya para tumungo sa kusina para maghanda ng merienda. Nang pabalik na ako sa balkonahe ay may nakita akong isang babae na nakatayo sa likod ng wheelchair ni Tatay. Mahaba ang buhok niya at parang siyang yumuko sa ulo ni Tatay. Nang tinitigan ko siyang mabuti ay parang kilala ko ang kanyang hitsura. Si Nanay.
Kinwento ko kay Kuya ang nangyari at parang balewala lang sa kanya iyon. Iyon daw talaga ang dahilan kung bakit nagpapakalango si Tatay. Nakikita niya si Nanay sa kanyang tabi. Iyon daw lagi ang kinikwento nito kapag hindi lasing.
Tumupad nga si Nanay sa kanyang pangako. Hindi niya iniwan si Tatay.
hindi ako bakla
hindi nga ako bakla e. hinde. hinde. hindeeee!
lalake ako!!!!!
what the fuck. this is what happens when i drink a bottle of dark lager.
