valentine's day 2008

I was pretty much busy last Valentine's Day. Looking back at the past days I've been ranting about not having a plan for 214, only to find out that the special day would be in fact a day of love and bonding. On that day I felt loved, wanted, needed.

That was the day she was interred. A cloudy morning it was, and I did my best to entertain some of the last friends who came to visit the wake. Tia was just keeping herself strong, my mom was roaming around fixing stuff, while I went to town and bought flowers. I chose the most colorful ones as she was always fond of colors and bright effects. Later that day I went to shop for a shirt.

Only a few people came to the mass. Not even the closest ones were there. But I didn't care, for the only thing that mattered was for her to receive the last mortal blessings given by our faith. I looked at her beyond the glass and noticed that she looked the same, still with the natural blush, just like a sleeping child. She retained that stern image, but I couldn't help but smile for her natural beauty remained intact.

I wrote her a poem. It was about a star who once spread light on earth. I've always believed that when we die, we become stars in the sky-that we are actually stars who come to earth and shine. That after many moons we go back home in the universe to give way for new stars. She was once a star sent by the heavens, to shine on earth in her own simple ways. After reaching the diamonds, the heavens sent for her to come back home.

Then came the time for her to be interred. After a few hours we found her in white ashes, as her physical structure returned to its prime composition. Yet I still can't believe she was gone, totally gone from our lives.

I was blank. I still am, just like Tia. I didn't want to mourn but I can't help doing so. But I know she's already safe and sound and happy and back to her most beautiful state: a star.

alamat ng isang tala

ikaw ay tala na nagmula sa uniberso
hulog na langit upang magbigay liwanag sa lupa
iyong tinuklas ang misteryo ng sansinukuban
at nagdilig ng ngiti sa mundong tuyot.

sigwa ang sumalubong sa iyong pagdating
ngunit hinarap mo ito ng buong tapang
ang mga panganib ay di mo sinukuan
at sa halip ang pag-asa ay yumabong
sa iyong isip, sa iyong puso, sa iyong kaluluwa.

sa bawat na araw na magdaan
ikaw ay nagmahal, lumaban, nasaktan
naipagbuklod ang mga nakakalat na diwa
iyong ibinahagi ang pag-ibig ng walang pag-iimbot
kahit sa huli iyo lamang nadama ang sakit ng pag-iisa.

ngunit ang bawat epiko ay may katapusan.
minsan nilisan mo ang kalikasan at bumalik sa langit na pinagmulan
upang maging isang tala, sa iyong tunay na tahanan.
minsan kang naging gabay na liwanag dito sa lupa
ngunit ang iyong init ay patuloy na mag-aalab sa aming puso't diwa.

ikaw ang alamat. ang alamat ng isang tala.


I always look up at the night sky hoping to see your eyes twinkle at me. I still can't believe you're gone. The past few days have been hard for me, and I've been longing for your embrace for it kept me safe and calm. I will miss you forever.

Felipa C. Esperas
1932-2008

wala akong plano sa 214. bigyan ninyo ko ng plano.

That served as my YM status message since January 29. Valentine's is a barely two weeks away that time and as the clock ticks so fast I now find myself writing this post while watching a funny primetime gag show. Anyway, given that I'm starting to rant about my 'dateless' Valentine's Day as early as the last week of January, a concerned friend came to the rescue and offered me an answer to my wish. He gave me a plan.

"Ria. Tignan mo to." He said, and gave me a link. I then did what he said and clicked on the link.
"Ano to?" I asked, slightly confused. "Blueprint ng bahay?"
"Yep. Ano pa ba?" He placed a smiley who's brow is raised.
"Aanhin ko to?"
Silence. It took a while before he replied.
"Pakiayos naman. Magaling ka naman sa interior design e. Deadline nyan sa 14."
"Ok ka lang? Wala akong kinalaman diyan no. Hindi ako artistic." I refused his favor.
"Ria naman e. Ayan binibigyan ka na nga ng plano tapos ikaw tong tatanggi."

Indeed.

new hair

Hi. This is me at 4am on the 2nd day of February 2008. New hair, old me. Just right.