Culture Robbed Me of the Ability to Fall In Love (essay version)

And I was robbed of that certain feeling.

I can no longer remember when I last felt my heart beat fast. I think I have already forgotten about the sweet scent of flowers or the how sentimental music makes any place glow with a different hue. Do you think I am beginning to romanticize things again? Perhaps. But have we ever thought of romance without associating it with the word love?

You can rather accuse me of over-romaticizing things.

But going back, what if, romance was associated with another emotion aside from love? The emotion would be then void of passion, sweetness and stupidity, not to mention graphic representations of flowers, chocolates and other material items capitalism can take advantage of during "special" days. How can be love be like without romance? If one's going to base it on superficialities, then we can always refer to aging relationships, at least. But what do we know about the love that blossomed between couples who are about to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary? While we are all absorbed about carnal desires and materialism, they meanwhile focus on selfless and unconditional service in order to sustain each other's needs and wants. Talk about morning breakfasts and afternoon siestas, Sunday masses and family reunions. Can't we consider those simplicities romantic?

Now. I'm caught in web of problems. First, I've been single for almost a couple of years now, cumulatively, technically. And standing in a world surrounded by people in love (or in relationships) just makes things worse. I'm dying to be in a relationship. Desperada, but hell. It's I who's suffering from that feeling and not those who would think of me of such description. In the first place, don't I deserve to be in one?

But how can I do so when my heart now finds it difficult to pump the emotion alive? Yes, relationships can be built from consensus, as long as two individuals settle on an agreement to hold hands and work things together as a team. But how about the feeling, the kilig, the passion and most of all, the romance? Aren't these things equally important to make the relationship work? Or is it all about the money, the benefits and other partinership ventures that keep the relationship alive?

I could've chosen to dwell on the lessons of probablity and statistics to cheat my way into winning the lottery jackpot. But what would all the money be worth if I don't have someone to share it with? Just like with the simple joys life has to offer. What would they be if they were not to be romanticized and used to enrich one's memoir of love? Thus, I chose to hope.

and i am tired of being single.

e sa suyang suya nako sa pagiging single e.

just venting.

fredo and rodrigo

kalagitnaan ng gabi.
umuulan sa buwan ng mayo.
magkahawak ang kanilang mga kamay.
kapwa nangungusap ang kanilang mga mata sa gitna ng karimlan.
kanila ng mundo. dalawang estrangherong nagtagpo para pagsaluhan ang isang gabing malamig.

at tumunog ang cellphone ni rodrigo. may nagtext.

hoy bakla san ka? tagay tayo. depressed ako. -si ria.

"ang silbi ko ba sa mundo'y maging comforter ng mga depressed?" tanong ng isa sa sarili. "sacrificial. selfless. parausan."

"ikaw ang pipili ng disposisyon mo sa buhay." tugon ng kanyang kasama. "masarap mag-alay ng pagmamahal, totoo. pero masarap rin ang mahalin."

"nagmahal ka na ba?" muli, siya'y nagtanong. "minsan nasa sa iyo na nag lahat. ang talino. ang face value. ang performance level. pero ano ba talaga ang presyo ng tunay na pag-ibig?"

silencio ang isinagot sa kanyang katanungan.

ngunit matapos ng ilang mahahabang sandali, ang kanyang karamay ay bumuntonghininga.

"ngayon pa lang." sabay alay ng isang maalab na halik sa kanyang mga labi. na agad niyang pinutol.

"hindi ko pa alam ang pangalan mo."

"kung bibigyan moko ng pagkakataon. ang pangalan ko'y fredo."

"rodrigo."

at kanyang pinatay ang kanyang cellphone.

the other F girl

Break na si Fifi at David!

Iyon ang bulalas samin ni Coco nung nagkita kami sa Starbucks-Katipunan. Actually kay Iya lang nya sinabi yon, hindi sakin. Hindi ko naman kasi kilala yung Fifi at David na yun.

Iya: O talaga? Baket? Antagal rin nila ha. Mahigit 5 years ba?
Coco: Oo nga e. Naalala ko nung high school ako nagbuking kay David na crush siya ni Fifi. Sakin bale nagsimula ang love story nila. Hindi ko pa nakakausap si Fifi pero pinapunta ko na siya dito para ikwento ang nangyari.
Ako: Sinong Fifi at David ba yan?
Coco: Mga classmates namin nung high school na lovers. Sila ang love team ng batch namen. Mamimeet mo rin si Fifi. Nagtext na siya e. Papunta na raw.

Ah ok. Siya sige, kahit hindi ako mahilig sa girl talk at pagbibigay ng moral support para sa isang newly broken up couple, since andito na rin lang ako e wala na akong choice. Maya-maya lang at dumating ang isang taong hindi ko kakilala ng personal pero kilala ko ang pagktao. At kilala rin ako. At kilala rin nina Iya at Coco.

Fifi!

Paglapet ni Fifi samin ay sinalubong siya ng yakap ni Iya at Coco. At ako'y apathetic.

Coco: Fifi, si Fae pala, friend namin. Fae, si Fifi, yung kinukwento ko kanina.

Tahimik lang si Fifi na nakatingin sakin, parang namumukhaan ako.

Fae: Hi. Musta?

Iya: Ang cold mo naman. Kita na ngang bagong break yung tao tapos parang wala kang pakialam.

Fifi: Okay lang ako, thank you.

Coco: O Fifi, baket naman kayo nagbreak ni David? Sayang naman yung relationship ninyo.
Tahimik paren si Fifi at hindi makapagsalita. Nakatingin lang siya sakin.
Iya: Fifi, huy. Nappressure ka ba? Sige wag mo muna ikwento kung di mo pa kaya.

Fifi: David woke up one morning and told me that he still loves his ex.

Coco at Iya: May ex si David?!!!!!!
Coco: Panu yun, e diba mula high school kayo na? Ako pa nga nagbuking sa inyo diba?! Panu nangyari yun, elementary? At sino yung girl na yun?

Fifi: May naging GF siya nung second year siya. Sandali lang.

Iya: Pero antagal na nun e. Pano naman nanumbalik yung feeling? Nagkita ba sila?

Fifi: Hindi ko alam. Basta bigla na lang niya sinabing ganon.

Fae: Aaah. Kaya pala ko biglang tinawagan ni DJ kagabi. Gusto daw ako makita. Pano nya pala nakuha number ko?

Napatingin lang sakin si Iya at Coco. At tumiim ang tingin sakin ni Fifi.


Hehe.

raindrops and resignation

with all due respect i wish to leave
the place where solace created my insanity
i long for fear, struggle and adventure
my heart's born for the wild.

i am not for desktops;
to conquer the universe is my mission.
the road not taken awaits me
i seek the shadows of death.

trinkets of memories blur my sight
but hence the memoirs remain holograms
to forget. to regret. to live again.
the frontier is just a cloud away.

will the reaper take me to places
man dare not go?
chills indeed rattle my spine.
but fate has plans.

culture robbed you of the ability to fall in love

happy birthday, sis.

where do you find happiness? with the people you love, the food you eat or with money you receive on your payday? you see, i'm experiencing bouts of random joys for no apparent reason, and these episodes are beginning to worry me. is this the after effect of chronic depression? i did take meds, you see.

but. am i--oh. sorry. you're not my shrink.

as stupid as it sounds, but i'm tired of being single.

nasabi ko na. nagvevent lang.

Breakfast with Rigor Mortis

my soul's been longing for the sheets
yet we spend the night with valiant eyes
it's the two of us against the darkness
it's as if the frogs have synthesizers
we laugh about and wonder.

it's me and you against the glare.
in this ill game to stay awake.
we grow pale. we eat squash fries we mistook
for jaundiced potatoes.
sweet potatoes.

because of these nights my player met death
but bereavement
became an option. we have duties.
we claim to be responsible. but insensitive.

sunshine's about to hit the streets in a few minutes.
say goodbye. tonight's another date.